Shakespearean Woes
by Omega Devin
Summary: When Miyu and the Chinese Shinma have to put on the play Hamlet for their school, half of the cast is missing! Worry not! Help has come from a most unlikely source! (Discontinued)
1. A Very Unlikely (And Most Unwanted) Task

Author's Notes: You know the bit ****

Author's Notes: You know the bit. I don't own anything; not the Shinma (except for my own) or anything from Hamlet. This does go a little off of my long-ass Fanfiction, When Friends Are True, but I really couldn't help myself. So, if you haven't read that yet, then chances are you won't get this. It does just forward in the story, so for right now, look at it as sort of an AU type situation. Many thanks to my friend Manhands (Kitsune182) who helped me with this, because I'm really bad with humor.

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Summary: When Miyu and the Chinese Shinma have to put on the play Hamlet for their school, half of the cast is missing! Worry not! Help has come from a most unlikely source! Rated for language.

Now, on with the show!

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Shakespearean Woes

Written By Kyheena (AKA AngelTabris17)

Co-written by Manhands (Kistune182)

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Chapter One: An Unlikely (And Greatly Unwanted) Task

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We open in the classroom that Miyu, the Vampire Guardian of the Japanese Shinma, and her friends the Chinese Shinma occupy for their English literature class (yes, I am aware that they are Japanese). They are currently studying Shakespeare and are rather enjoying it until the teacher suddenly comes forward with a very unlikely assignment.

CLASS: _NANI_? What did you just say?

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Their teacher is a man in his late forties, single (as one could see why); a very exuberant man with a passion for Western dramas and tragedies. He is big and beefy and balding but full of endless energy. He speaks flawless old English and is always acting out all the Shakespeare plays himself. He is a bit of a Drama Queen (even though he is male) and is always behaving as if he's performing before an audience.

TEACHER: (_laughing_) Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! You heard me right! In a tribute to the greatest play writer in the history of all, I will be dividing you up into small groups of about fifteen or so and assigning you to different plays by our great master! (_several of the students shrink back at this_) You are to perform an act of that play before the class, and it must be flawless! A passing grade for a perfect play! (_tears stream down his face and he starts laughing again_)

MIYU: (_Pulls back in her chair and whispers to the _CHINESE SHINMA, _who are all sitting around her_) What a scary guy. What do you think of it? I've read plenty of Shakespeare, but I never had to act it out.

TACHA: It won't be too bad. We've had to do it before. In fact, it's kind of fun. I'm sure Yoto's just peachy about it.

RYUKO: (_Leaning forward_) Ooh, I hope we get to do McBeath! Can I be the guy who chops everybody up?

KIA: (_laughing a bit_) Which one is that?

KITSUNE: (_Resting her head in her hand and pouting a bit_). As long as it's not Romeo and Juliet anything would be cool. Or Hamlet, that play is just too damn depressing for its own good.

YOTO: But that's the whole point of all Shakespeare's plays. That's what makes them so good.

YOSHI: The only reason you say that is because the guy put more than half of his brain into his works than all the crap we watch put together.

(_brief pause as all stare at _YOSHI_)_

YOSHI: …. I dug myself into that one, didn't I?

(_All nod_)

YOSHI: Shutting up.

(_A sudden booming voice from behind them makes them all jump about a foot out of their chairs._)

TEACHER: You all seem to be excitedly wondering about what play you will have!

MIYU: A-actually, _sensei_, we were just discussing…

TEACHER: I like that type of motivation! (_He laughs once more, making them all look like they wanted to hide under their desks as the class stares_). Hamlet seems to be a more than likely role for you! Yes, indeed! You seven are to perform Shakespeare's tragic drama, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, and I want to see progress! Infallible! (_laughs again and points to a random group of students_) And you are to join them!

(_The students groan)_

(MIYU_ and the _CHINESE SHINMA_ groan)_

(KITSUNE _bangs her head on the desk_)

RYUKO: (_looking slightly pale_): Hamlet? But that's like…like…

YOSHI: Really long?

KIA: Depressing?

TACHA: Sick?

MIYU: Flowery?

YOTO: So, when do rehearsals start?

MIYU: I got a bad feeling about this…

(KISTUNE _still beats her head upon the desk)_

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To be continued…

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Sorry that was so short guys, but it's late. Let me know what you think, huh?


	2. Rehearsals Bite the Big One

Scene Two ****

Scene Two

Rehearsals Bite the Big One

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The scene opens on the next day of school. It is bright, sunny and warm; birds sing in the lush green trees. We see MIYU_ and the _CHINESE SHINMA_ out in the grassy field of their school during their lunch break, open books of Shakespeare's play, Hamlet, in hand. Yoto and Miyu and standing, Kia and Yoshi are leaning against a tree, and Kitsune lays on the ground as if passed-out. Ryuko and Tacha as well as a few other of their classmates stand further off to the side._

KIA: (_Calling to Yoto_) So, tell me again why we're doing this scene.

YOTO: Because the graveyard scene is one of the most famous scenes in the entire tragedy. Besides, it also is one of the few scenes with many of the main characters in one location; makes it easy for all of us since everyone has a part. 

RYUKO: What I find weirder is the fact that Kitsune graciously accepted the part of Ophelia…I mean, I thought that you would have kicked up a fuss at the very notion, Kit.

KITSUNE: (_From the ground_). Well, if you remember right, Ophelia _is_ dead at this part, and there's no easier role to play than that of a stiff.

MIYU: So you keep saying, but we haven't been able to get through this once without you cracking up every time Hamlet and Laertes "jump" into the grave to mourn over your corpse. (KITSUNE _laughs_). See, that's what I mean.

TACHA: And why did you want to be Horatio again, Miyu? Some girls would make a bigger deal of having to play a guy than that than Kitsune having to play Ophelia.

KITSUNE: That's not true!

MIYU: Like I said, I have to work on my English, even if it is Old English, and Horatio seems to fit the part. And it's not like we're going to be in costume, anyway; we just say our lines right?

YOSHI: If we did have to be in costume, there would be no way in hell That I'd be doing this.

ALL: Amen to that. 

YOTO: All right, we only have a week to learn our parts. Where we were?

MIYU: The Gravediggers are talking, I think. We haven't exactly made a lot of progress, you know.

YOTO: (_sighs_) Don't remind me. (_To _KIA _and_ YOSHI) All right Clowns, take is away!

(_The twins stare at him blankly)_

YOTO: (_after a pause_): Well?

KIA: I don't know what you're looking at us for. There aren't any clowns in the play!

YOTO: (_sighs again_). You two _are_ the Clowns, Kia. That's what the Gravediggers were called back then.

YOSHI: Then why not call us Gravediggers then?

YOTO: Because that's not what they're called in the play. Now, if we can please…

KIA: Well, why can't we just call them Gravediggers? I mean, Clowns really don't do anything for the imagery of the graveyard, you know.

YOSHI: You know, she has a point there. I mean, when you say Gravediggers, yeah, I can see two rutty looking guys digging a grave. But clowns? I mean, then I see two guys in white makeup and rainbow wigs out there instead.

YOTO: (_slapping hand to forehead_) It doesn't really matter! Will you just do your parts?

KITSUNE: (_opening an eye_) You know Yoto, they got a point. I mean, the term "Clowns" really doesn't do the play justice, does it?

FEMALE CLASSMATE: (_sheepishly, hiding behind Tacha_) I don't like Clowns…

YOTO: Oh, fer Chrissakes…fine then, skipping ahead. Hamlet and Horatio have more important dialogue anyway. You two just learn your lines by the due date.

KIA: Whatever, man. (_under her breath, mostly to her brother_) Clowns indeed…I'm so glad we really don't have to dress up…

YOTO: (_flips through the pages of his book_) Okay….Miyu, let's start where Hamlet and Horatio first walk into the scene… (_clears throat_) "Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave-making?"

MIYU: "Custom hath made it in him…"

YOSHI: (_Calling from off to the side_) Whoa, whoa, whoa, no one said anything about singing!

YOTO: What?

YOSHI: (_turns book around and points to the dialogue) _Right here, see! (_Turns it over and reads_) "But age, with his stealing steps, hath claw'd me in his clutch, and hath shipped me intil the land, as if I had never been such…" What the hell is this? I mean, there aren't even any lyrics!

YOTO: (_rolling his eyes_) You don't have to sing, Yoshi. Just read is as you would any other part. Okay, where were we… "'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment hath the daintier sense."

(_The rehearsal goes for a bit without any major problems (shocking, I know). When Yoto begins Hamlet's most famous dialogue, everyone is almost moved to tears._

YOTO: (_with heart) "_Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing."

CLASSMATES: (_teary-eyed)_ Yoto-kun…_sugoi…_

RYUKO: Man, he really gets into this stuff, doesn't he? He almost make me feel…inspired.

TACHA: (_Out of the corner of her eye_) Almost?

RYUKO: (_pouts_) I wanted to be Hamlet…

(_The continue on, once again unhindered, mostly because it's Hamlet speaking with little bits by Horatio. They come onto the part where the funeral party makes an entrance)_

YOTO: "O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe, should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw! But soft! but soft! aside: here comes the king!" (_pause_) King?

RYUKO: Oh, that's us. (_They proceed forward. _RYUKO_ clears his throat and speaks as Laertes_) "Lay her i' the earth: And from her fair and unpolluted flesh May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest, A ministering angel shall my sister be, When thou liest howling."

YOTO: "What! The…"

RYUKO: (_interrupting_) I said, "Lay her i' the earth: And from her…"

YOTO: No, no, no, that was part of the dialogue, Ryuko.

RYUKO: Oh, sorry. My bad.

MIYU: And is was going good, too

YOTO: (_Looking slightly frustrated_) So happens when you work with a lot of people at once. Where were we…

TACHA: (_As Queen Gertrude_) "Sweets to the sweet: farewell!" (KITSUNE_ starts to snicker. _TACHA_ and the rest groan_). See Kit, this is what we mean! You're a stiff, so act like one.

KITSUNE: Sorry. It just sounds funny.

TACHA: Believe me, when it's referring to you, it's pretty damn amusing as well. A-HEM! (_reaches into her pocket and continues reading, throwing down flower on _KITSUNE) "I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife…"

RYUKO: "O, treble woe Fall ten times treble on that cursed head, Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense Deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile, Till I have caught her once more in mine arms"

(_There is a pause. They all look at each other_)

YOTO: This is where Laertes leaps into the grave to embrace the body of his sister.

(_Once again, a pause_)

ALL: Eew….

YOTO: Back when this was written, this part was considered tragic. Many people were crying in the theaters, men and women both.

RYUKO: The Westerners are still weird. And I think we all know what from personal experiences… (_Miyu and the _CHINESE SHINMA _all grin at each other. The other students take it as some inside joke._) Okay…I leap to embrace my sister!

(RYUKO_ does leap…sort of. He more ends up tripping and falling right on Kitsune)_

KITSUNE: OOWW! That was a pretty lousy leap, Ryuko!

RYUKO: It wasn't my fault! It was that stupid rock!

KITSUNE: What rock? You're just a klutz! Oow! Get off!

YOSHI: (_From the background_) Aw, Ryuko, that's sick! Necrophiliac!

RYUKO: (_Shouting back_) It's not that!

KIA: Not even that, but Necrophiliac incest!

(_Everyone recoils away as Kitsune and Ryuko try to untangle themselves)_

TACHA: I thought that the Westerners were weird, but you two are blowing it out of proportion!

RYUKO and KITSUNE: You are all sooo dead when we get my hands on you!

KIA: (_background_) Demote incest!

MIYU: Methinks it's time for a break. What about you?

YOTO: Indeed. (_They leave the scene of chaos)_

From a further distance in the field, their TEACHER_ watches with tears streaming down his face._

TEACHER: Brilliant! Simply brilliant! Never before have I seen such dedication from students! Well, then, this changes everything! (_He moves to a well-recognized anime pose, with his arms crossed and a fire raging behind him_) I will have to see that they are treated with proper respect! AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

STUDENT: (_Somewhere in the background_): Kyaaa! Someone call the fire department! The Shakespeare _sensei_'s on fire again!


	3. Bad Call

Scene Three ****

Scene Three

Bad Call

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The week slowly passes by. Finally, after hours of excruciating memorizing and comprehenision, it is time for the students to act out the desired scene of their assigned play. Our heroes are going last, which is just fine for them; they sit patiently through acts from Romeo and Juliet, McBeath, and A Midsummer Night's Dream. Finally, it's time for MIYU_ and the _CHINESE SHINMA_, as well as the rest of their cast, to perform._

They are in their places: KIA _and _YOSHI _stand center stage as the two Clowns, _MIYU _and _YOTO_ stand a little to the right, _RYUKO, TACHA, _and the rest of their classmates at the far wall. _KITSUNE_ is in her rightful place; on a stretcher that they designed when Ophelia's corpse is brought in. She pulls off the act of being dead quite well. She's also drooling and snoring._

MIYU: (_Leaning over and whispering to _YOTO) Really, was the chloroform necessary?

YOTO:_ (Whispering back)_ It was the only way to keep her from laughing during the scene. Remember, our grades on the line here. Besides, I don't think she has to worry about messing up now. She's a more convincing dead person than a real corpse.

TEACHER: (_The _TEACHER_ is wearing full Medieval garb that a man would wear when attending an opera at the time; he looks absolutely ridiculous._) Ah, Hamlet! One of Shake-speare's most ingenious…

KIA: (_Under her breath, to Yoshi_) Funny, he's said that about all the plays

TEACHER: (_Not noticing) _and noble…

RYUKO: (_grumbling_) And depressing…

TEACHER: (_Still as dumb as a rock_) Works of all times! And performing for us is this fine troop of young actors to give us to Graveyard scene!

(_As if taking it as a cue, Kia clears her throat and begins to speak as the first clown)_

KIA: "Is she to be buried in Christian burial…."

(_She doesn't get too far as the _TEACHER_ interrupts again. _KIA _growls_)

TEACHER: I have watched them practice! Practice and rehearse to no end! They are marvelous, as well as the men and women who came before them! This is why they have agreed to perform Hamlet in its entirety before the whole school by the next full moon!

ALL STUDENTS ON STAGE:_ (Yelling)_ WHAT?!?!?!

TEACHER: That is right! You have giving me the permission to perform your breathtaking rendition of Shakespeare before us all! Why, it would be selfish of us to only keep it to ourselves! By the next full moon!

(_Apparently, that is his final word. _MIYU _and the _CHINESE SHINMA_ look at each other in disbelief. Obviously, they had not agreed to any such thing._)

TACHA: The man's crazy! There's no way we can learn all of Hamlet in a month!

YOSHI: Well, who says we have to, anyway? No one's making us!

TEACHER: (_As if overhearing_) And remember, it's still your grade!

(_Stunned silence)_

EVERYONE WHO'S PART OF THE HAMLET TROOP: Shit.

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Sorry is was so short…it should get better soon. And more chaotic to boot….

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